The Addiction of Control

Here are some lyrics from the song “I am looking for a Savior” by United Pursuit Band. This song touched my heart immensely and has inspired this blog post.

 

i abandon my addiction to the certainty of life

and my need to know everything

this illusion cannot speak, it cannot walk with me at night

as i taste life’s fragility

 

i am looking for a savior i can see and know and touch

one who dwells within the midst of us

May a broken God be known within the earth beneath our feet,

let our souls behold humility

let our souls behold humility

 

when our plans become the casualties of getting through the day

and we begin to know our weakness

and denial isn’t strong enough to hold our fears at bay

and we can’t escape our emptiness

 

i see the sympathy of heaven in the earth and wind and trees

i see hope within the morning sun

i am searching for meaning

i am looking for healing

 

i am haunted by your reflection

i was blinded by my addictions

i am torn apart by the dying

i am giving up on escaping

 

Will I learn to live without taking

will i learn to see beauty in the making

 

I can’t pretend to know

the beginning from the end

But there’s beauty in the life thats given

we may bless or we may curse

every twist and every turn

will we learn to know the joy of living

 

I could literally spend pages breaking down this song, the depth and meaning behind it, and how it personally spoke to me. I will try to keep it shorter than that!

 

The song starts out “I abandon my addiction to the certainty of life, and my need to know everything.” I know 100% that I am not the only one who grasps at times for a false sense of control and security. I like to think that I have a handle on things. If not my personal goals, or our finances, at least in what the day will bring, or the sense of purpose I feel as I dream about the future.

 

At times when I sink into this empty space of feeling totally and completely uninspired, I realize how much of an addiction “the certainty of life” really has become. It is sexy to think that we have some sort of control, or that we know everything that we need to. It allures us to think that we know what will happen next, that we will be able to avoid the pain or challenges that come our way.

 

Sometimes, I genuinely get frustrated with myself. I look around and see how much I have, what I have been given, the opportunity, the potential, the limitless resources, that I really can do whatever I desire, whatever I put my mind to. The frustration comes when I think of all this and then ask myself the question “What am I doing with the gift I have been given?”

 

Really, it starts to become a form of control. That I somehow believe that at age 25 I should have my whole life planned out, or I should already be a public speaker, or have worked through any major life questions. Let’s just laugh!!

 

The song continues, “this illusion cannot speak, it cannot walk with me at night

as i taste life’s fragility”

 

“This illusion” for me can create a weight that sucks the passion and creativity right out from under my feet.

 

The control “cannot walk with me at night” as I taste how fragile life is. Control, having all the answers, staying hidden by playing it safe is a LIE. It not only leaves us lonely, but keeps us from experiencing the fullness of our lives lived.

 

My absolute favorite verse in this song is,

I am looking for a savior I can see and know and touch

one who dwells within the midst of us”

 

This is the cry of my heart. To let go of the addiction of trying to have it all figured out, and to meet with the one I can see, and know, and touch.

 

He DOES dwell in the midst of us. But so often we miss Him. We put him on the shelf, as we pick up our to-do lists, or zone out with our latest coping mechanism.

 

It has become all too easy for us to let our “plans become the casualties of getting through the day.” There is so much more that God has for us than to “get through the day.” Or the work week, or the soccer practice.

 

“i see the sympathy of heaven in the earth and wind and trees

i see hope within the morning sun

i am searching for meaning

i am looking for healing”

 

The sympathy of heaven, is intimacy with God. It is His presence in the midst of us, in the breeze of fresh air, the smell of the trees outside, the morning sun, his comfort after a long day at work.

 

I can’t pretend to know

the beginning from the end

But there’s beauty in the life that’s given

we may bless or we may curse

every twist and every turn”

 

Letting go of control, of knowing the ending, is liberating. It is an open invitation to the holy spirit saying “Okay come and get me!” There is truly a “beauty in the life that’s given” in serving others, connecting with the lord, and choosing to bless “every twist and every turn.”

 

In my current season, I find myself choosing to ask the Lord, how is he revealing Himself to me? It looks a lot different than the last season, or even the one before that. It may not look like me hearing him as clearly as I’d like. But he is speaking in a new way, and He invites us to see, and know, and touch Him.

 

God with us. He is not far away. He has not left. He will never abandon us. The question to ask is what does He look like, sound like, and feel like in this season?

 

For me, I have been finding Him in my workouts, in the books that have been speaking directly to my circumstances, and in the stillness and quiet of silence in the car. When all the noise is gone, and it’s just me and Him, I feel Him so close.

 

I encourage you to read over the lyrics of this song again, ask the holy spirit to speak to you through these lyrics, and ask Him what He looks like to you in this season? How is He speaking? He is right here with you!

 

Live Well,

Kaylee Luckey

 

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